Operating Instructions
by Xaegha
Summary: Mac and Hawkes are neurologists, Danny and Lindsay are their immunologist enemies, Flack is their patient and Marty is the insane neighbor. Stick them together and this is what you get. AU and very OOC.


**This is so AU it's crazy. Uh, I wrote this for a writing assessment, however, the characters had different names, and I thought 'Hey! How about I change this to CSI: New York?' Changed the names, edited it a little, and boom! Here it is. Don't own any of these extremely OOC people, frankly, I don't want to. Too many people would be wanting them from me. I'll just stick to my Danny fantasies and the episodes on my Ipod.**

**Operating Instructions**

"Patient's name is Don Flack. He's experiencing hallucinations and extreme migraines." Dr. Sheldon Hawkes said to his boss, Dr. Mac Taylor while tossing the folder to him, overshooting the target by at least ten feet.

"What did the MRI show?" Mac said, watching the folder sail over his head.

"Four tumors in the left central lobe." Sheldon answered.

Mac looked thoughtful for a moment, "Well, Sheldon, I guess this means that we are going to have to operate. I'll get the patient's consent, you get the manual. Meet me back in the office." Sheldon nodded and set about his daunting task of looking throughout all of the bookshelves and magazines strewn over the countertops.

Meanwhile, Mac was fast approaching Don's room, hoping that he would be lucid enough to sign the form, "Mr. Flack? We need you to sign this consent form for us. We've found several tumors in your brain that appear to be the cause of the hallucinations. We need to operate as soon as possible." Mac handed him the form along with a pen, "What do you say?"

Don beamed, "Stella will be so happy about this!"

Mac looked at him questioningly, "Why?"

Don sighed dreamily, "The missus has wanted a hot tub for months now." He signed the form and handed it back to Mac, "Thanks a lot, FedEx man!" And promptly fell asleep.

Mac considered waking him up, but decided against it, opting instead to answer Sheldon's 911 page. "Sheldon? What's wrong?"

Sheldon started out on his task badly, he couldn't find the manual for the longest time, and when he did his problems only multiplied. "Mac… The operating manual, it's uh, it's… IT'S IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE! I CAN'T READ IT!"

"Gadzooks!" Mac cried out, "You're right!" He shook his head, slowly exhaling, "Well, Sheldon, it looks like I'll be going in alone." Sheldon looked up, alarmed, "I need you to translate this. For the love of Neptune! Translate it! I'll do the best I can, but ultimately Don's life is in your hands. Wash them first, and for the love of all things sweet and sour, TRANSLATE THIS MANUAL!" Sheldon saluted him and grabbed the manual before rushing out the door. "God speed, Sheldon. God speed."

For what seemed like hours, but was really only twenty minutes, Sheldon ran around the hospital asking everyone that he came in contact with, nurses, doctors and patients if they could read what the manual said. All of them answered with a resounding no. Feeling dejected, Sheldon began walking slowly to the OR to deliver the news to Mac.

Unbeknownst to Sheldon, a pair of doctors was watching him from the corner, staring and quietly scheming.

On the other end of the hospital, Mac was having troubles all his own. Now, instead of thinking Mac was a doctor, or a FedEx man, he had been transformed, in Don's mind at least, to his neighbor, Marty Pino. "No! Marty let go! I won't let you take me, STELLAAAA!!!! HELP ME!!!"

Mac had the sudden urge to hit his head on the wall, "Don. DON! It's me, Mac. You're doctor!"

Don looked at him, confusion evident in his eyes, "Mac? What are you doing here?"

"I'm taking you to surgery. We're going to fix you, and then you can leave. Okay?"

"Okay FedEx man!"

Mac could feel a headache coming, and he could no longer resist the urge to bang his head on something. The door would suffice.

Wheeling Don to the OR, Mac sighed inwardly. _Well, here goes nothing._ "Nurse? I'm going to need the anesthetic and the spinney-saw thingy." The nurse nodded, and got out the necessary items.

"Mac? Mac!" Sheldon came into the room, head hung low. "I, I couldn't do it… I'm sorry Mac, I really tried, but I couldn't translate it! I failed you, I failed Don, but most of all, I failed myself."

"That was deep, Shel- SHELDON! WATCH OUT FOR THE GUR- Never mind." He stopped as Sheldon tripped over the gurney, dropping the manual on the ground. "Nice one, you okay?"

Sheldon gave himself a quick once-over, "Yeah, I think I'm good. Listen Mac, I really did try. And I'm so sorry, but I just… I couldn't do it."

Mac patted him on the shoulder, "I know you did, and I know you are. But, what d'ya say? Should we try the surgery anyways? Ya'know, wing it?"

"You won't have to."

"Danny." Mac and Sheldon said in unison, "What's an immunologist like you doing in an OR like this?"

Danny smirked, "Lindsay and I figured that we should save your patient seeing as you two are doing a crack job at it."

"Yeah," a female voice said from behind Danny, "When we heard the news, we decided that we should try and help you."

"What was with not asking us, Shelly?"

Sheldon glared at him, "Don't call me Shelly, _Daniela_."

Dannyscowled, "You're lucky that we actually care enough about patients to help out other doctors in need, like yourselves. Otherwise, we'd let you flounder like the fish you are." He turned to Lindsay, searching her eyes for approval, "Get it, Montana? Fish? Flounder?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes, "I get it, Dan." She bent down to retrieve the manual and handed it back to Mac, "It was upside down, idiot."

Mac blushed, "Oh. Right." He shook his nemesis's hands. "Thanks you two."

"We never speak of this again." Lindsay stated, "Got it?"

Mac nodded vigorously, "Right. Sheldon?" He turned to his assistant, "We've got a life to save. Let's rock and roll."

**Like I said. AU and OOC. Reviews please? And don't worry; the next chapter of Pieces will be up by tomorrow. **


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